Failing Upwards

The Power of Madonna

Like most of America (I assume. Overnight ratings aren't available yet) this evening I was enthralled with "Glee"'s "Power of Madonna" episode. Some of the greatest hits of a music icon being used as the musical framing device of one of my favorite new shows- it was a combo that came out even better than I had hoped.

The music of Madonna has always been very important to me. Make whichever stereotype joke that springs to mind, but her music more than any other was the soundtrack to my childhood. At the time of course, I didn't get her theme of personal and sexual empowerment I just heard high-energy fun song after fun song. I didn't even know what "Like a Virgin" was about until I was in the double digit ages, but no matter I would belt it out. And, while her later albums ("Ray of Light" on in my opinion) lack much of the catchy punch of her previous work are to this day some of my favorite songs of all time.

"Glee" managed to do something with this much hyped episode that few shows really pull off well- a useful stunt episode. All the hype, press, and build-up and yet among all of that this episode fits perfectly into the overarching plot of the show. There was movement on several continuing plots, new plots, and the sharp wit we've come to know as "Glee"s trademark. 7 uber-produced musical numbers weaved beautifully through the story perfectly- opening with the New Directions girls recreating 1989's "Express Yourself" VMA performance and culminating in a near shot-by-shot recreation of Madge's 1990 "Vogue" video and a rousing version of "Like a Prayer" 

I've spouted a bunch of hyperbole about this single hour of television since it aired a few hours ago. Adjectives like "amazing," and "awesome" and in fairness I probably thought "transcendent" at some point but really it was an extremely well-done single episode. A new Gleek, and those of use who've been hooked since last May's preview, all had things that we could latch onto. And, as the freshman FOX hit's first theme episode and first big, well-publicized stunt episode I'm hoping it sets a pattern for continuing great  episodes. 

The soundtrack for "Glee"'s "The Power of Madonna" episode is available on iTunes for the bargain price of $6.99

The Wedding Singer

I'm obsessed. I realize obsession over an Adam Sandler film is unheard of for me but it's not that fluffy film of which I speak but rather the Tony nominated Broadway show. I saw the performance (below) and then bought the CD. It hasn't left my car except for the time it took to dump onto my iPod. It's brilliant, hilarious, energetic and I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!! I love it!If you missed the Tony performance that introduced me, hit play below, even if you hate it you have to admit that there isn't a single performer that isn't giving 100% and having a total blast which makes it all the better.

"Line dance! Follow me!"

"BANG YOUR HEAD!"

Pre Geek-Out Link Dump

--How hot is 6-time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phleps? In this ad for a new Speedo-brand underwear "Axcelerate". [Via]

--As VH1 is the best network ever, I watch it a lot. Some of their shows though are just wrong (See Strip Search and Kept. ) But because of them I'm learning tons about former child stars (DJ from "Roseanne" has two kids!). Oh and check out the cast of "Celebrity Fit Club 2", the casting director was obviously on some heavy drugs- much like Jani Lane.

--Firefox and email client Thunderbird are the best web use applications ever. They are totally customizable, unlike IE and the extensions that you can add are fantastic. For example, my computer hates Flash-with a boiling passion- so I got an extension that blocks all Flash on the web. I can choose which Flash I want to view and what not to.

--Yes, I bought the new Backstreet Boys album, "Never Gone". Am I sorry? Yeah I'm not sure yet. Probably. (Be careful, according to Amazon it's Copy Protected. Yeah guys, wouldn't want bootlegged BSB out there, that would be horrible)

--I'm having some serious and hideously annoying computer issues. I'll write more on that later but, does anyone have lots of of wireless mouse experience? Mine keeps jumping around randomly and pissing me the hell off.

--Off to see "Batman Begins". Christian Bale hotness! Jealous?

"Survivor: Pulau 'Never Gone'"

--"Survivor: Pulau" has ended and with it one of the best seasons in it's 10 season history. A season of firsts, this group provided 13 episodes of great entertainment, and some of the STUPIDEST MOVES EVER!!!

Ian, in the final immunity challenge- an endurance challenge on a buoy that was heading into it's 12th hour- essentially gave up. He tells his competitor Tom, the newly crowned winner of the series, that he'll give up right then if Tom will promise to take Katie to the final two. Katie. The woman who gave up this challenge at hour 4. Tom, not being a dullard, asks about the catch because Ian has to be working this somehow right? Nope, no catch he's giving up to win back his integrity with he felt had been lost over the past few days. Tom agrees and Ian is gone.

Then Katie, who spent the entire game coasting on the strengths of Tom and Ian, and who did NOTHING to make it to the final two, gets bitchy at the jury questions. Hell she refused to answer Janu's (admittedly dumb) question because she knew she wasn't getting her vote. Moron!

Luckily, idiotic moves are not alien to the franchise and we'll have a whole new batch of paranoia and impending idiocy in September when "Survivor Guatemala: The Mayan Empire" comes to CBS. The fist and second stupid move has already occurred in fact. First, the title. This will now be the second season with a subtitle (The first being "Survivor Vanuatu: Islands of Fire") and if it follows that tradition it's gonna suck royally. The subtitle is too long, and it causes Burnett and Co. to get mired down in their theme the the point of ridiculousness (see "Survivor: Pearl Islands"-pirates, my god the pirates- and "Vanuatu"-volcanoes, we get it guys, shut up). Secondly, the promo indicates that the misnomered "castaways" will be living in Mayan ruins. Really? That takes away the hilarity of the shelter building and allows for a messy "are they desecrating ancient temples for lousy American entertainment" debate that no one really wants to get into.

I'll totally still watch though.

--The Backstreet Boys are back. Yeah I know, no one cares. I'm a fan of theirs and I don't care. What I'm struck by though is that they're releasing an album on June 4 called (try not to laugh) "Never Gone". No, seriously. I can't believe it either. 'Cause see, the thing is guys, you were SO GONE. Since like 1999. And their new single"Incomplete"? This is your reentry, or from your warped perspectives your latest entry, into the musical universe? It's a weak sappy ballad on par with "The Shape of your Heart" for sheer lack of real emotion. Y'all are gonna have to do better than that to regain any semblance of relevancy. Not that you actually had much to begin with.

"Never Gone"? Self-delusion party of 5.

--Hey y'all remember: "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic" premieres Tuesday on UPN. White trash, deluded total idiots whoring their personal tapes of each other. Can I handle your truth Brit? I doubt it, 'cause  the burning itching sensation would get old after a while, but I can't wait to try. The celebrity downward spiral will be televised, wee!!

That's what

--Oh my god, You simply much watch Adult Swim's new show "Robot Chicken" (Executive Producer/Voice Talent: Seth Green) It's sick and wrong on the level of "Drawn Together" but with that special childhood-raping zeal that only Adult Swim can bring (See "Family Guy" one of the funniest shows of the last 15 years). Laughed my ass off.--

I was just watching something on VH1in which they referenced the fabulously overwrought power ballad "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that)" by opera-rock extraordinaire Meat Loaf and it really pissed me off. See they, like most people, quibbled with the song on the basis that Mr. Loaf never defines what the "it" is that he won't do.

But he does.

Granted it comes around minute 9 of the original 11-minute album version, but it's still there. The revelation comes during the duet segment (it's 11-minutes-and-some-change of some seriously melodramatic belting, of course there's a duet segment. He'd be crazy not to have one) transcribed here:

Girl: Will you raise me up? Will you help me down? Will you get me right out of this god-forsaken town? Will you make it all a little less cold?
 
Loaf: I can do that, oh I can do that
 
Girl: Will you hold me sacred will you hold me tight? Can you colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white? Can you make it all a little less old?
 
Loaf: I can do that, oh-whoa-now I can do that
 
Girl: Can you make me some magic with your own two hands? Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand? Can you give me something I can take home?
 
Loaf: Now I can do that, (groaning) Now I can do that
 
Girl: Will you cater to every fantasy I've got? Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot? (ASIDE: I still consider this the be the hottest line ever sung. It gives me chills with the deeply wrong sexual implications of holy water in a sex act. I don't know why but HOLY FUCK is that sexy for some reason.) Will you take me places I've never known?
 
Loaf: Now I can do that (screaming) Now I can do that (ASIDE: The above super hot line is somewhat dulled by the prospect of Meat Loaf fulfilling the request)

 

Girl: After a while you'll forget everything, it was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling and you'll see that it's time to move on.
 
Loaf: I won't do that. I won't do that
 
Girl: I know the territory I've been around, it'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down. Sooner or later you'll be screwing around.
 
Loaf: I won't do that. No I do won't that.

See? Idiots at VH1 might want to listen to the songs that they ridicule prior to writing their jokes. Just a thought. Although, even though the above is transcribed from my copy of the CD (I was young once too, embarrassing music goes with the territory. To be fair I've owned the CD since it's release and I've only ever listened to that one song.) it's totally rip-worthy for all of it's hilariously over-the-top bellowing. I mean, damn.

*NOTE: The above isn't meant to imply that I actually like the music of Meat Loaf, 'cause I don't. His acting on the other hand is... well "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was supposed to be terrible (wasn't it?) and in "Fight Club"... well his name was Robert Paulson, and he had enormous man-tits.... yeah ok his acting sucks too (And, oh my lord he was in "Black Dog"! That's so wrong). In fact, I really only like the duet segment of even this song.

Grammy Wrap Up

Even though "The 47th Annual Grammy Awards" telecast lasted 3 and a half hours, they failed to announce the most important two winners:

Best Album Notes- The Complete Columbia Recordings Of Woody Herman And His Orchestra & Woodchoppers (1945-1947)
Loren Schoenberg, album notes writer (Woody Herman & His Orchestra) [Mosaic Records]

Best Recording Package- A Ghost Is Born
Peter Buchanan-Smith & Dan Nadel, art directors (Wilco) [Nonesuch]

Two tributes to Ray Charles and a Tsunami tribute, and still this glaring oversight was allowed to occur. Hell, the Recording Academy President was able to bitch about illegal downloading. repeat the same "please download Across the Universe" message we'd just heard generally ramble on for a full 5 minutes! On the whole the show was... well it was on but not particularly interesting. I think that the ambitious 24(!) live performances was what screwed them up. Most were good (Alicia Keys/Jamie "Am I officially Ray Charles now?" Foxx) some were fantastic (Melissa Ethridge/Joss Stone) some were bad (The whole off kilter opener but especially Gwen Stefani and Eve and the pirate thing and the wha?) and some were totally bad and uncomfortable (the aforementioned "Across the Universe" all-star Tsunami tribute). They should've handed out more than, like, 5 awards.  The bulk of the performances seemed totally shoe-horned in (Such as Jennifer "We're really married, no, really" Lopez and Marc "As greasy as the burgers he doesn't eat" Anthony's terrible, all Spanish, "love" "duet" "Escapanos". Just don't even get me started)

The "Across the Universe" thing was, I think, the biggest misstep. Granted it was for a good cause but was horribly executed. First off, the lineup made no sense: Bono, Norah Jones, Brian Wilson, the ubiquitous Tim McGraw, Alicia Keys, Stevie Wonder, Scott Weiland (and the rest of Velvet Revolver playing the song), Steven Tyler, Allison Krauss, and Billie Joe Armstrong. Norah looked terrified the whole time, no one had any energy except Scott Weiland, Brian Wilson was freaky as hell (I think Norah was scared of him) and Allison Krauss was just... there. According to CBS.com, Al Green was supposed to be there too but wasn't. Billie Joe did manage to prove, surprisingly, that he could indeed sing. Secondly, the entire thing was off key, or rather, they were all in different keys while trying to sound distinctive without regard to harmony. Was that on purpose? If so the arranger made a huge mistake because it was a mess. And, Velvet Revolver playing The Beatles? Duff McKagen looked half asleep, seriously get someone a bit more mellow (Like media tongue-bath recipiants Los Lonely Boys) to do that task guys.

All in all a pretty meh show for a pretty meh year in music. There wasn't even too much heinous fashion to deal with which is a same. Oh, on that note, I will pay E! to keep Star Jones(-Reynolds) off of the Red Green carpet for all future events. The preshow consisted primarily of Star telling the whole world and hapless interviewees which artists and songs were in her "Sunday night rotation" (y'know, the music she gets it on to) and asking about theirs. On so many levels, EW! I know she's married now (Honestly, I do. Stop mentioning it. I get it. Married. Jeez!) but I don't want to know what music Al uses to get her hot (Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Reason"), nor do I care what music Ben Harper used to knock up Laura Dern (Barry White and Al Green). "Celebrity Sex Songs" is not a compilation album I want in my head.

To sum up "The 47th Annual Grammys": Less mediocre performances, more awards; Gwen-just stop please; Harmony people! You're musicians; Ray Charles: Singer, Piano Player, Cheating Ass, Dead. Jamie Foxx- Actor; Star-Enough! Shut. Up!

Perverting the youth

There's a cancer in music that's rearing it's ugly head again. This sugary-sweet aural confection is a plague on our society and it must be stopped, especially now that it's forthcoming demonic vocal orgy is almost upon us. No, I don't refer to Ashlee Simpson or  a similar pop-tart whose Radio Disney friendly hits have long infected the pop culture landscape. No friends, I speak of the music from the darkest recesses of all of pop-- Kidz Bop .

Ok, so that may have been a bit dramatic, but it still holds true. Kidz Bop is a depressingly bad and irritatingly sweet series of cover albums for the under 10 set. The producers enlist "The Kidz Bop Singers"- themselves members of the target demo- to cover, tunelessly, current pop hits. All of the songs are supposed to be kid friendly and kid approved. With very little (almost none in fact) editing, the singers gaily (double entendre on purpose) varble their tunes for the youth of America.

The problem, besides that fact that the singers are on the terrible side, is that the songs aren't necessarily age appropriate. Let's look at the track listing for the about-to-be-released Kidz Bob 7:

Pieces of Me (Ashlee Simpson); Let's Get It Started (The Black Eyed Peas); Breakaway (Kelly Clarkson); My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne); Leave (Get Out) (Jojo); On The Way Down (Ryan Cabrerra); She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5); Lose My Breath (Destiny's Child); Accidentally In Love (Counting Crows); Heaven (Los Lonely Boys); Dare You To Move (Switchfoot); If I Ain't Got You (Alicia Keys); 1985 (Bowling For Soup); One Thing (Fingereleven); Float On (Modest Mouse); Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney); Welcome To My Life (Simple Plan); and My Boo (Usher f/Alicia Keys).

Anyone see some issues there? Besides the fact that no fewer than 8 of the 18 tracks are already as poppy as most humans can handle- Hell Jesse McCartney is like that male Mandy Moore- the other 10 have varying levels of inappropriateness from wholly manic depressive (bordering on suicidal) [Simple Plan, Switchfoot and Fingereleven] to really skeevy sexual imagery [Maroon 5, Destiny's Child, and Usher] to just not meant for pre-tweens [Black Eyed Peas and Alicia Keys].

For example, "1985" by Bowling for soup (Sample lyric: "Debbie just hit the wall/She never had it all/One Prozac a day/Husbands a CPA/Her dreams went out the door/When she turned twenty four/Only been with one man/What happen to her plan?"), how is this a song that young kids should be hearing? One Prozac a day? Awesome. And the assertion that her life basically ended at the age of 24 is just the message that the youth should be hearing. To our ears, this song is funny, quasi-nostalgic and poppy fluff. But to young ears it could be the thing that sets them on a disaffected path.

Simple Plan's "Welcome to my Life" is another prime example of a song that shouldn't be on this collection. The song is basically the inner monologue of a kid on the verge. Someone who feels isolated, sad, and miserable. Witness the chorus: "What it's like/to be hurt/to be lost/to be left out in the dark/to be kicked when you're down/and feel like you've been pushed around/to be on he edge of breaking down/and no one's there to save you/no you don' know what it's like/welcome to my life" So uplifting and life affirming, no?

Look, I'm not saying that kids should be sheltered from the harshness of life. In fact I'm firmly against censorship of any kind. But, I also recognize the concept of age appropriateness. The Kidz Bop franchise is predicated upon the idea of sugary sweet pop songs being re-popified, made more sugary and repackaged for a lower demo. When they take songs such as these, edited or not, they risk harming those that they purport to celebrate.

Besides, and this is the true point, Kidz Bop is gross, lame, irritating, false, and needs to be stopped. All other things aside, these albums are destroying the youth of America. And what do they have planned for Kidz Bop 8? Anthrax and Pantera covers in Kidz Bob Classic? How about the Kidz Bop rendition of Poison's "Unskinny Bop"? No really, it's ok.

Awesome Band: Carbon Leaf

Check 'em out at Carbon Leaf.com

Great Show in the city last night

John Mayer Hates Women.

I have to say that I hate ABC right now. The ridiculously good Lost is doing great which is rare on this netowrk. So what do they do to meddle and most likely run it in to the ground? Add an executive producer for good no reason! And? His previous credits include Nash Bridges (and Martial Law). Ewwwwww. If this show tanks in quality in 6-8 weeks, or if Cheech Marin shows up I'm gonna be pissed.

Back to the topic at hand, I've decided to resurrect a feature from the old site, and that is the Lyric Analysis. Tonight's subject will be John Mayer's "Daughters". I contend that this song, besides being a deep well of suck, is misogynistic and fairly anti-woman. The lyrics:

i know a girl Good for you. Me too.
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change So she has boundaries? Can't you just say that?

I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands Eww
Now i started to think
maybe its got nothing to do with me.

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
Um, when talking about parents and children, it may not be wise to imply that you'll be violating said child at any point. It's a class thing to be sure but parents don't often enjoy thinking of their children as "lovers"

Oh

Oh you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met Well, no. It has shed to a degree. And also? Ew.
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time If you're speaking to a father? You bet your ass you were on his mind. The day that little girl was born you, and frankly anything with a penis was of utmost concern.

Oh yeah

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, yeah
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too. I like how mothers are an afterthought. Mommies aren't important. Only when you're lovers are woman enough to think about

boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and
boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart Fuck you Mayer. Boys could use a father's love as well. And, doesn't this hold true for woman as well? Your little testosterone rant bridge is a wee bit sexist and frankly gross. It says treat boys like shit because that's how they become men, but make sure their mommies love them or they'll go on a killing spree. Girls? You're all daddy's

on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl Attention all women: Men must look out for you because you're weak and fragile. Men will take care of you. As long as you still cook and fuck. Also, you will always be girls
you are the god and the weight of her world Oh. My. God. NOW is going to picket you man
on behalf of ever man
who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world

so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, Out of curiosity, what does this mean precisely? It's a tad bit unsettling
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too See? Mothers are important.

Maybe I can't properly articulate why this song irks me so, but I find it truly offensive, skeevy, and very anti-woman. I could be reading too much into it but, I don't think this sends a good message. Ok, let me rephrase, "be good to your daughters" is a good message but it should read "be good to your children" regardless of gender. Boys can be fragile too Mr. Mayer. In fact boys need just as much love as girls. Your 1950s approach to sexual politics should be left out of contemporary pop songs. The added layer of sexism against women is also particularly disturbing as it smacks of Mayer's caveman-like thinking that the man must take care of the woman. This song actually sort of sickens me.

But, I'm also the first person I know of to mention this and the album has been out since September '03. So perhaps my interpretation is off. Decide for yourself, and let me know. I know that this song is enough to put me off Mayer for good. His songs were catchy but I can't deal with this level of perceived sexism

On the music topic, J.B. gets the prize for explaining the Train lyric. An obtuse reference to teen pregnancy. Huh, why did I think of that? Also, notice the anti-woman message there? Football teams knock up some chick. Train only cares that the boys on the team lost their dreams not the poor woman who has to carry and raise the one-night-stand baby. Luckily, Train blows so no one should care. I honestly doubt that they have a particularly large pull in gender relations.

Only have a few minutes

Have you heard the insipid Train song "Calling All Angels"? It's overplayed, cloying, and generally awful? Yeah you know it.

Anyway, and this has been bugging me for months, there's a lyric near the end that makes no sense to me.

"And Football teams are kissing queens/ and losing sight of having dreams"

What the hell does that mean? Anyone? I seriously need to know because it's either really deep and metaphorical or total crap. As it's Train, I'm leaning toward the latter.

So, thoughts?